June 6, 2001

Two weeks ago, on Saturday, May 19 2001 at DucKon X, our son Brock locked himself all alone in a bathroom of the con suite and accidentally strangled himself to death. He was fourteen.

Thank you, all our friends, who have generously reached out to help us in every possible way in our time of grief.

Many people left the convention knowing only that some tragedy had happened and that no details could yet be released. It is necessary that we share the facts with the fandom community, lest ignorance breed fear. Especially, parents need information so that they may know that the tragedy that happened at DucKon X is not of a nature that could threaten their own children at any future convention.

No con-related activity, organized or otherwise, had any part in Brock's irrational, fatal behavior. He is not a victim of any lapse on the part of the hotel, the con-com, convention staff or any of the fen. His action was not inspired by morbid video games, nor by role-playing, filk, SF movies, hall costumes, displays of weaponry or anything else at the convention. In fact he first exhibited this behavior as a toddler, when his cyberworld consisted almost exclusively of Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood and similar programming on Public Television.

Brock was unescorted at DucKon X, because he showed none of the telltale signs that had come to warn us when he was likely to exhibit compulsive behaviors. We judged him fit to enjoy substantial independence at this con; he had shown steady improvement over the last three months as he was changed to some new medications, with further improvements the last week.

Brock took medications for several mental illnesses including bipolar disorder, also called manic depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Suicide is a leading cause of death for people with bipolar disorder, but Brock was neither depressed nor suicidal; he succumbed to a powerful compulsion to tie himself up, a compulsion which plagued him and stalked him since he was three years old. Brock's medications to treat his obsessive-compulsive disorder had been working, and had not been changed lately. Nevertheless this compulsion must have come upon him strongly as he sat reading in the con suite. In tying himself up, Brock looped a sleeve of his knit shirt tightly around his neck and knotted it several times.

Whenever this compulsion would strike, Brock felt an overpowering urge to tie something up. Sometimes he was driven to tie up toys, furniture, shrubs or clothing, and sometimes he was compelled to tie himself up. Worst of all, he would sometimes pass a loop around his neck.

Always in the past Brock untied himself once his compulsion was satisfied. This time we believe he lost consciousness while trying to untie all those knots. He then died of strangulation.

Brock did not want to die, now or ever. He said so repeatedly, over the space of many years. He knew that his compulsions were irrational and that this one was perilous; he could never explain why he did it, but he was always adamant that it was not an attempt at suicide. His psychiatrist and we are convinced. The compulsion never struck when he was depressed, but was likely to do so when he was manic. Also this compulsion to tie oneself up is not unique to Brock; it affects a significant subset of patients with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

For many years we took unending precautions, including cutting a big hole in the door of his bedroom; no privacy permitted. We were hyper-alert for signs of compulsive behaviors (Brock exhibited several compulsions, most of which were not dangerous, merely irritating, obnoxious or destructive). We were also very alert for the early signs of a manic episode. His manic states were especially dangerous; when he wasn't manic we could count on him to tell us if he felt an urge to tie himself up, but a manic Brock would not tell us and would lie if asked.

Had there been any of the danger signals we've learned, we would have kept Brock under escort and forbade locking himself in a bathroom. As this year's DucKon opened, there were none of the usual signs. None. On the contrary, we were elated, as was Brock, at his recent improvements in functioning. By all appearances, Brock had become the capable, confident young man that we once envisioned he would, many years ago when his intelligence had become apparent and his many mental illnesses had not. He was transitioning back into public school, and earning As there, after five years of falling behind in the dumbed-down classes of various therapeutic schools. He'd been matriculated into public high school honors classes for this fall, and had signed up for a summer speed-keyboarding class there. He had just caught up with a mountain of homework, a major triumph since he hadn't been able to handle much homework for the last five years while taking lithium since it interfered with his memory.

These changes in Brock's prospects and outlook were the fruit of a lot of hard work and advocacy by us, by Brock's mentor Doug, and by Brock himself. Doug provided a positive role model for Brock, and helped to nurture Brock's interest and skills in computer programming and electronics. We advocated tirelessly for Brock to be given a chance to try transitioning back to public school, marshalling ever-growing evidence that Brock did very well among bright, motivated kids even as he functioned very poorly in the therapeutic schools. Brock overcame an irrational fear of success and the side effects of the lithium, to bring back glowing reports when he was allowed to attend History and Science classes at the regular public school.

A bout of severe depression starting in December led to a series of unsuccessful medication changes, during which Brock fell so far behind in schoolwork and homework that he could have failed to graduate from 8th grade. Eventually a new drug, Neurontin®, ended that depression. Psychiatrists are finding Neurontin® to be as effective as lithium in preventing bipolar cycles, with far fewer side effects.

Lithium had interfered with Brock's memory and made him clumsy, badly hobbling his school performance and his quality of life, so we were guardedly optimistic when Brock's psychiatrist suggested that we taper off and discontinue the lithium. We carefully tapered him off, taking twice as long as the psychiatrist suggested and watching for trouble. Brock's last week on lithium was at a dosage well below the "effective" dose, and his first day with no lithium was Friday, the first day of DucKon. His bipolar treatment had been switched over from lithium to Neurontin® and there were no signs of mania or depression.

There'd been no change in the medications that Brock received to treat several other mental conditions. Nonetheless, we saw an apparent improvement in his obsessive-compulsive behaviors, especially in some compulsions that he'd had so long that they'd become routine. For instance he could easily turn off the computer when it was time to do so, and he used one mouthwash instead of a mixture of five.

Mostly we saw a huge improvement in Brock's mental acuity, as he no longer had the lithium interfering with his memory. He knocked out three weeks worth of makeup homework in three days of intensive effort. All Friday evening he sat in the con suite, single-mindedly completing a thick sheaf of worksheets, not stopping until he was fully caught up. He said he wanted to get it all done Friday so he could do the things he wanted to at the con on Saturday and Sunday. He was all ready for a big comeback, and looking forward to school on Monday.

Brock seemed to have a truly effective medication regimen for the first time since his manic/depressive cycles began five years ago he was on the threshold of returning to public school and to a normal life at home. We were acutely aware that other medications have occasionally allowed near-normalcy, and that after a few months the cycles would always resume, or side effects would worsen and he'd have to discontinue the medication; then the painful search would start again. As always, we hoped that this regimen might finally arrest Brock's bipolar cycles. As always, we resolved that, whether long or short, this time would be a chance for Brock to remember what living happily is like, to enjoy being a genius (he was) among other bright people in a world of exciting ideas; to renew a bright vision of his future, so that if the madness should come again he might have the courage to persevere. We would never have stopped trying, and neither would Brock.

A couple generations ago there were few treatments for mental illness, and a person with Brock's problems would likely have been institutionalized for life. During Brock's lifetime there were treatments that kept him well enough to avoid hospitalizing him, most of the time. Research is proceeding fast; within a few years we'll understand the brain chemistry of mental illnesses well enough to reliably counteract them. It is vitally important that the social stigma associated with mental illnesses is lifted; people who need help must feel free to admit it to themselves and to others, get help, and apply their talents to straighten out their lives.

Brock was gifted with a truly awesome intellect marshalling an insatiable need to know and understand things. He was possessed of a loving nature, which was not dulled by all the worldly trauma and disappointment he experienced. He was a born libertarian, expressing outrage at every injustice in the news. He felt a sense of urgency for preserving our ecosystem and our resources, and for establishing self-sufficient colonies in space in case we fail on Earth. Had he lived to see the treatments that would let him function as himself, Brock would someday have had much to contribute to the world. We will always miss him.

Brock's Parents,
Bill Erhart
Pamela Erhart

DucKon is an activity and fund raiser for Super-Con-Duck-Tivity, a non-profit organization under 501(c)3 of the Internal Revenue Code. Proceeds from DucKon go to support the Golden Duck Awards for Excellence in Children's Science Fiction Literature. Donations to Super-Con-Duck-Tivity are considered tax deductible. Please note that only the amount above and beyond the amount paid for service or items is tax deductible. The price of membership to DucKon is not deductible. Direct donations (cash or merchandise) are considered to be deductible according to the IRS. Please keep this in mind as you complete your taxes.